If you could see it then you’d understand…

Officially speaking, my sister died at the age 48, on January 20, 2010 @ 1:30pm of metastastic breast cancer. (This was the official diagnosis). By now I have stared at that death certificate more times than could ever be imagined, and have marveled at how easily a cause of death can be summed up in so few words; but, at the same time, realizing just how loaded those words really can be.

I will never view a cause of death or look at a death certificate the same way again.

Ever
again.

It was probably a few weeks before her death when I realized she had died long before then. Long before she had given herself permission to have an official reason to die. Long before that last Thanksgiving Day dinner we had with the family. Long before that warm December 4th date when I walked with her to my car from her home, as she shut the door behind her for what was to be the last time. Long before I sat down beside her in the hospital admittance office, while she, almost overcome with exhaustion, filled out the required paperwork to be admitted into the room that was eventually be the site of her deathbed. Way, way long before. All was confirmed after she actually had her “passport” stamped for that final eternal destination.

“birds came flying from the underground”

We have been devastated. I have been devastated.

This blog will be my attempt to put things together, in a perspective that perhaps only I can understand.

I will start with Paris….

France.

No, I have never been, but have always felt that this is where I should be living. Even as a small child, I dreamed of this place. Long before the internet provided me with the means to prove what I had already known instinctively; I knew what Paris looked like.

My sister and I had planned to go together. She had been to many places…even Italy (A friend of hers recently sent my parents a picture of her standing and smiling with them in Positano). However, strangely enough, somehow, in all her travels, she never quite made it to Paris. I believe that she had been waiting for me. I do believe that she is still waiting for me.

“birds came flying from the underground”

For now, these words from the song: “Speed of Sound” by Coldplay resonate through me…over and over and over again. Loudly.

Now, I can afford to go to Paris. But now is not the right time. On this lifetime go ’round, I instinctively know when it will be right. Springtime. Next year (God willing). On a journey complete with all of the “bells and whistles”

And so, as l begin telling this story on Mother’s Day morning 2010, I do so hoping that Paris, France is where this story ends. The name of the exact location?

“Eurodell, en le jardin de Marcella” (or kinda like that)…a place that doesn’t exist….quite yet.

“birds came flying from the underground”

Paris, France. Maybe, just maybe…”When I see it then I’ll understand”

“When I see it then I’ll understand”

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